For a long time, I thought my obesity was my own fault. I thought that it was a horrible character flaw that led me to make bad choice after bad choice and become “grotesquely” overweight. I wondered why I had no will-power, why I didn’t like broccoli, and why I hated working out. I looked around and saw ambitious, healthy people doing all of the things I knew I was *supposed* to want to do, but didn’t. And so, the condemnation continued.

It was my own damned fault that I was fat.

And then I had gastric bypass surgery, and I learned that my obesity was not entirely my *fault* at all. I learned that it was a biological, physiological, emotional and spiritual disorder, which meant that I was contributing to it, but not necessarily causing it; that many of the things I thought or did exacerbated the problem, but didn’t create it.

And so, I went about the business of changing my behaviors; doing things that a healthy person did; thinking the way a healthy person thinks. Or, at least, I THOUGHT I did. As it turns out, I was doing a lot of self-sabotage by refusing to acknowledge 2 simple facts:

1. I am a FOOD ADDICT
2. Addiction is a Disease

Now, I know a LOT of people who steadfastly disagree with that second statement. They disagree to the point of anger, resentment and even hatred. They say that anyone who can CHOOSE “not” to have something, can’t possibly have a disease, because, well…you can’t *decide* not to have cancer.

Here’s what I’ve got to say about that: I didn’t choose to be a food addict, anymore than a cancer victim chooses to have cancer. BUT, I did do things that contributed to the severity of the problem; I made choices that inflamed my condition. I did things to make my condition worse.

If I were to draw a parallel between cancer and food addiction, I would say that, by my thoughts and actions, I made my condition worse. I refused to admit I even HAD it, and then I refused “TREATMENT” (almost like a cancer sufferer refusing chemo or radiation.) I believed that I had caused my problem (much like a lung cancer victim could believe they deserved their disease because they smoked, or a liver cancer victim could believe they deserved it because they drank.) I’m not going to say that smoking and drinking are good ideas, or that they don’t CONTRIBUTE to the disease, but I believe we are either predisposed to cancer, or we aren’t; we are predisposed to obesity and food addiction, or we aren’t.

It is immaterial whether you agree with me or not that obesity and addiction are diseases, for I have chosen to treat both conditions for what they are, instead of believing the misinformed and beating myself up for being a bad person.

Perhaps that is why choosing to abstain from addictive behavior is called RECOVERY. Like a cancer survivor who is in REMISSION, I will never be cured of my disease. It could come back at any time, so I must be ever-vigilant. I don’t know when a trigger will pop-up, or someone will inadvertently do something to encourage a relapse, but I cannot live my life fearing that the addiction will return.

Today, I choose RECOVERY. I choose NOT to allow my disease to rule my life. I choose to live my Bariatric After Life™ to the fullest and embrace all that life has to offer. But, just as a cancer survivor might have to take medication or participate in therapy, so must I.

At the end of the day, I could lament the fact that I am an addict; that I will have to fight obesity for the rest of my life. I could complain and ask “WHY ME?” — OR, I can be thankful that there is a treatment for my condition. I can have gratitude for the gift of recovery, and I can rely upon God for His healing touch. After all, RECOVERY is not something you do alone. You need the support and guidance of others who have gone before, and the power of someone who is much greater than yourself.

Thank GOD I have both

Just what in the HECK is going on? I’m sure you’ve been asking that question more than usual, in light of my latest spate of posts.

Well, in case you’re wondering, you are witnessing the transformation of an addict. I have always been quite open about my battles and, even though I might not fit the description of a “traditional” binger — meaning that, I never purged or ate to the point of nausea — I AM an addict, because my “drug of choice” (food) controls my life.

I have been in therapy for more than a year and a half, and in that time, I have worked hard to fix the things about myself that I could. I always flirted with the idea of recovery, but never quite knew how to get there. I realize now that I was always looking for a secret, some magic or a hidden key to unlock the mystery of my disease. I didn’t believe I could conquer it without knowing exactly what was causing it.

At one point, about 8 months ago, I even downloaded the 12-Steps, so I could actually read them and decide if it was something I could (or needed) to do. I distinctly remember going through a few of them, thinking, “Oh good, I’m already doing this one! Hey, I’ve got this one nailed!” But then, I read others, and mourned, “Good HEAVENS! I can’t do that one and I don’t think I will EVER be able to do THAT one.” It just seemed impossible. Too hard. Too….unattainable.

I pondered whether one could actually be a 10-Stepper.

So, I put the 12-Steps away for awhile and pretty much forgot about them.

Until a major epiphany 2 weeks ago, when some pieces of the puzzle suddenly came together and, for the first time in my life, I saw the picture of the journey I was meant to take. It was like a shining light from above, completely lit up the world before me, and I instantly knew what I was supposed to do. More importantly, I had no doubt that I COULD do it, and knew that I already WAS.

Fast forward a couple of days (which felt like months), and it occurred to me that I was FINALLY ready to commit to sobriety. I was ready to recover.

I made the decision and announced it to the world. Some people worried that I was being too hard on myself, misunderstanding the parameters of my sobriety. They feared that I was trying to achieve perfection in my eating. You know, to NEVER at “any bad food.” Well, let’s be real. I KNOW that I will make better choices, and less better choices over the course of my Bariatric After Life.™ but I’m more focused on the BINGEING behavior. I KNOW my triggers. I know that I cannot eat “just one cookie,” or “just one piece of candy.” I cannot eat “a single serving of sugar free pie,” and I cannot “eat just one” (the bag even says so!)

Again, I KNOW what I need to avoid, and that is how I define my sobriety: Avoiding (or saying no to) foods which will create the opportunity for me to binge.

So, on Wednesday, January 26, I officially became a recovering addict.

Today, I completed 5, full days of recovery from binge eating.

Yesterday, there were a couple of tense moments where I nearly *forgot* my pledge, and almost allowed myself to talk *ME* into eating *just the crumbs* from MexiKen’s Zucchini Carrot Bread. Well, I came to my senses and very firmly said, “No. I do not need the crumbs from that cake. That will bring me closer TO, instead of further FROM a binge.”

And so it will go, my life in recovery. I will have to be conscious of my actions and not allow myself to eat on auto-pilot. It might seem tenuous, or even punitive, but it is quite the opposite of those things. It is so rewarding when I win a battle by making the healthy choice, and it feels good to know that I am in charge — not the food. I think the point I’m trying to make is, being in recovery gives you FREEDOM and LIBERTY. You are finally FREE when you stop choosing to let your addiction rule your life.

So, anyway, bear with me and understand that I’m pretty enthusiastic about my progress and just want to share my joy. It really does feel like being reborn. It’s like learning all of the answers to everything you always wanted to know, then wanting to shout the answers from the rooftops, so EVERYONE will know. Of course, just like I had to come to my recovery in my own time, I realize that will be the case for many of you, as well.

In the meantime, be kind to yourselves and realize that you are doing the best you can. Continue to educate yourselves on addiction, and don’t be afraid to step out in faith. Finally, don’t keep yourself from healing, just because you don’t understand the “whys” and “wherefores” of your addiction.

That may never come to light, and you’ll have to be okay with it.

Day 6, here I come.

Well, *at least* I’m not addicted to…

I seem to have been on the subject of ADDICTION for awhile now, but anyone who’s read me for any length of time knows that this subject is often at the heart of my messages, even if it is not stated in black and white.

That is because, quite simply, I AM AN ADDICT.

To be fair, not EVERYONE who has bariatric surgery is an addict. Many people will tell you that they just love food, so they consume vast quantities of it in the name of quality. Thus, when they reduce the size of their stomach (or implement surgical restriction), they tend to do quite well in the Bariatric After Life™, because they are still able to eat quality foods, can often stop at “just a bite” of a treat, and are satisfied with less. I call those types of individuals “Foodies.” (Not a new term, but one that makes it easier for me to discuss.)

On the other side of the equation, you have the Food Addict [raises hand here]. What I have noticed is that I have never been particularly concerned with the QUALITY of food; I will pretty much eat any junk that is processed, heavily laden with sugar and white flour, or comes in a noisy package. If they sell it at 7-11 (bananas, apples and “healthy food” notwithstanding) – I want it. And in VAST QUANTITIES, but NOT because of quality. On the contrary, when I want something junky and devoid of nutrition or health benefit, it’s because I WANT IT. I am probably not hungry, but I WANT IT. I might not like it, but I WANT IT.

I want the IDEA of it.

That’s addiction, baby. When I am willing to do whatever it takes to get something that I know has no value, and am willing to suffer the consequences — both long term AND short term, then I know I have a problem.

Which brings me to the thought behind today’s post: Is there a hierarchy of substances to which you can be addicted? In other words, are there “better” things to be addicted to and “worse” things to be addicted to? If you think there are “better” things, does that make you less of an addict.

Is it worse to be addicted to food or addicted to a drug?
Is it worse to be addicted to gambling, or to working out?
Is it worse to be addicted to shopping, or to alcohol?

I’m sure I will get all sorts of interesting feedback, and the comments will all have valid points, but from my perspective, addiction is addiction. Addiction to anything is destructive because you choose to give it power over your life. Ultimately, YOU allow your substance to choose FOR you.

Addiction is different than simply enjoying something..

It is a state that consumes all aspects of your life, even if you don’t realize it at the time.

In my case, as I pondered my new commitment to sobriety, I realized how much damage I have done to those who love me, while convincing myself that I was the only casualty. Unfortunately, when you’re an addict, many people take on shrapnel while you self-destruct. Such was my situation before losing 160 pounds. I could not hike, ride my bike, stroll on the beach, climb stairs, or do anything active. I told myself it was because I didn’t WANT to, more than because I COULDN’T. But Juan DID want to, and he DID enjoy it. He just never told me.

Because I am a food addict, I chose food over my husband. I did the same thing to my daughter. I couldn’t run and play with her around the campsite, because I was too busy eating Zingers or Red Vines. I chose food over my precious child.

Even after surgery, the victims continue to pile up, while I “eat something I shouldn’t” and start to dump, get sleepy, or begin playing self-defeating tapes in my head. Of course, no one would ever know that I allow my addiction to choose for me, because I look great and am healthy. So, you see, it’s not the QUANTITY of the junk I eat (I don’t do it very much and a lot of people would discount it as harmless, telling me to just move on) – It’s the thought process behind it. I KNOW it not going help me, but CHOOSE to do it anyway, while DENYING the consequences.

Addiction hurts EVERYBODY, no matter WHAT substance you’re addicted to.

Now, I won’t get into the ins and outs of chemical dependency, etc., as that is not the point of this post. I am strictly speaking to the behavioral component; the emotional aspect that creates the fertile environment for denial, lying, self-loathing, guilt and doubt. I am no expert; I am simply a student trying live an honest and healthy Bariatric After Life.™

This is what I know: Abstaining from food bingeing is going to be challenging, and there will be hours or days when I want to throw in the towel, because FOOD is not illegal, or dangerous like drugs. I couldn’t be arrested for eating an Oreo (unless I stole it — LOL), and last time I checked, no one would bat an eye if they saw me eat a handful of Fritos. But that is how rationalization and minimizing work: The addict will believe anything to obtain and consume the drug.

Today, when I awoke, I resolved to stay in Recovery for another day. Sobriety: DAY 2.

I am choosing life. I am choosing my path. I am NOT letting my addiction choose FOR me.