My binge addiction is like a teenager who parties when the parents are away for the weekend. You know how it goes, the parents leave and say, “Now, don’t have a bunch of people over and absolutely NO PARTIES.” And the teenager says, “I know. I won’t. Gosh, don’t you trust me?”

So, the parents leave (thinking they’ll have to learn to trust their teenager eventually) and the kid is thinking, “OMG, I thought they’d NEVER leave. Now, let me send a Facebook Group Invitation to all 1500 of my closest friends…”

What happens while the parents are away is not pretty and definitely does not fall under the heading of “good, clean fun.”

Nope, when the parents return (early, usually) they are met with a scene straight out of Animal House: There are pizza boxes strewn everywhere, Doritos crunched into the carpet, and those red plastic “SOLO” cups with stale beer on every piece of furniture in sight. There are bottles of flat Coke, empty chip bags and paper plates with orange grease spots on them.

OH. MY. GOD. WHAT. HAPPENED. HERE???!!!

One thing is certain: The parents were not at home when the eating orgy ensued, and they DEFINITELY did not get to ‘enjoy’ the festivities…BUT, THEY WILL HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER IT.

I know, I know…fellow parents are out there saying, “Oh no. I’M not cleaning ANYTHING up. My KID is gonna to do THAT.” But, we all know that the kid is passed out on the futon in the den, and besides, he’ll deny everything, blame everyone, and do a lousy job of putting things back in order.

But, that’s not all: That antique that’s been in the family for generations? Broken. And the couch cushions? Torn. The carpet? Stained. Nothing is going to be the way it was…but it has to be returned to some semblance of order.

So, why am I telling you about a “party-while-the-parents-are-away” weekend? Because my stubbornly recalcitrant binge addiction is a lot like that teenager: IT WANTS TO PARTY EVEN THOUGH I TELL IT NOT TO.

Guess who gets to “come home” to home to the carnage?

Guess who gets to stumble across chalk outlines (where the box of Zingers WAS), clean Oreo cookie crumbs off the counter, and tear down the yellow police tape blocking the refrigerator door?

You guessed it: ME.

Bingeing gets the party and I get the hangover.

My Party-Girl-Binger wants me to believe we’ve had good times – BUT WE HAVEN’T AND THE PARTY IS OVER. The bingeing teenager is officially GROUNDED, and it’s time for the adult to hire a “house sitter” (more like a therapist, trained in addiction and recovery), clear out the pantry, and get back to an OA meeting.

Can anyone else relate?

I have been in a dither. Yes, you read that right: a D-I-T-H-E-R. I am one, big ball o’nerves, and it ain’t pretty. Understand that my usual state of being is “STRESSED OUT” because, for as long as I can remember, I have deluded myself into thinking that Stress = Productivity. That, and I’ve long held the conviction that an idle mind IS the devil’s playground. You see…when I am not being “busy,” I have too much time to think, and we all know what happens when I think: I panic, and then I eat. I don’t know why, or maybe I do, but therapy hasn’t helped me root it out “just yet.”

Okay so, in one small paragraph, you have learned my dirty little secret: I am a stressed out eating machine.

The downside of this is, of course, that if my normal state of being is “being busy,” then ADDING stuff to do to an already overly-burdened schedule…well…that just puts me in a DITHER.

Which brings me back to my opening sentence. I AM IN A DITHER.

The side effect of this is GUILT over DOWNTIME. If I am not “DOING” what I *SHOULD BE DOING* (every second of the day), then I feel GUILTY. Don’t get me wrong, I do understand that this is not healthy (therapy, remember?), but that doesn’t change the fact that it is happening…at least not for now.

In the past, I dealt with it by taking vacations, get-a-way trips…and eating. For the first 18 months after surgery, I dealt with it by being super active — in between surgeries and injuries, that is.

Well, times have changed, and my lifestyle is one big mess o’ busy, which translates into a dither…stress…and eventually UNRELENTING ANGST.

I don’t know how YOU deal with angst, but I try to feed mine. Which is why I have decided to write about it today. You see, I have been feeding my angst (and I eat faster when I’m in an angst-ridden-dither).

I feel MISERABLE about it. No, I’m not beating myself up (okay, yes I am. A. Little.)…I am not very happy with my choices, and know that something’s gotta give — somewhere…but I just don’t know *where* (YET).

I would love to tell you that I’ll be taking the weekend off (but, I won’t…I’ll be spending quality time with my tax man, and showing my home to lookiloos – uh, potential buyers). And…I’d love to tell you that I’ll slow down next week (but, I can’t…I’m going out of town). And I’d love to tell you that I’ll slow down the week after that (but, I can’t, because (______). See what I mean?

STRESS. DITHER. ANGST. EAT. REPEAT.

I usually like to write stuff that features answers, but for now, I’m just throwing it out there so you’ll know what I’m working on — and also, so you’ll know why I’ve been so quiet for MORE THAN A WEEK! (Gasp.)

On a bright note, it is spring (a time of renewal), and I have not lost hope or faith, so things WILL get better, and I WILL find a way to not only survive, but thrive. I just need a little time to regroup. Be patient with me…

Maybe a roadtrip and video would do the trick

This morning, when I awoke and committed to my 4th Day of Sobriety, I figured out that recovery is a choice, and one that I must make clearly and resolutely every, single day.

So, I began my new mantra:

Today, I choose life.
I choose to be healthy.
I choose to control what I put in my mouth.
I choose to give power only to food that will bring me closer to recovery.

It would have been very easy to say:

Today, I will NOT eat things that I shouldn’t eat.
I will NOT eat Fruit Loops, or that Carrot Zucchini bread.
I will NOT overdo it.
I will NOT eat the wrong things.
I will NOT give into my addiction.
I will NOT binge.

In other words, I could choose to make a list of things I will NOT do — OR, I can make statements about what I WILL (and have the power to) do.

Sidebar: Oh my gosh! It just hit me that this concept of standing “for” something is a lot like our Constitution. The Constitution doesn’t GIVE us power as a individuals; it simply states the God-given power that we ALREADY HAVE.  Hmmm…interesting. I need to go research that a little more — LOL.

Back to the subject at hand…

FOR or AGAINST?

There is a difference between fighting AGAINST something and standing FOR something. Neither is particularly wrong, but each carries with it a different source of power; a different attitude; a different way of thinking and being.

• I can fight against negativity in my workplace, or I can stand for having a good attitude in all that I do.
• I can fight against negativity in my home, or I stand for a positive spirit.
• I can fight against negativity online, or I can stand for upbeat, hopeful truth.

There is NOTHING WRONG with fighting for what your believe; fighting for a cause; fighting for the truth. Many choose to fight against something, because it feels good to belong to a bigger, more powerful cause; it feels productive and purposeful; it feels better than standing ALONE.

Sometimes, people choose the fight, the battle, or the war, INSTEAD OF peace, because they want to change people, or bring them to their side; they want others to join their team , and they want to feel powerful. After all, there’s great power in numbers, it’s good to belong, and there is a place and purpose for fighting for what you believe. It is good to make clear choices on where you stand.

But, in this context — the subject of ADDICTION –  I have begun to ask myself this question: Do I want to fight with an army of thousands or stand as an army of one?

I know that there are millions of people fighting agasinst their addictions. I would not be alone in my battle. But fighting AGAINST something takes more energy than STANDING FOR something, and I believe that fighting AGAINST my addiction would be harder than standing FOR recovery.

I guess you could say that  I have chosen to stand alone, BUT I am encouraging others to stand with me – if they want. The truth is, I can no more fight another’s battle than they can win mine, but I can champion and support them in standing for what’s right.

So, that’s where I am in my Bariatric After Life™: I am not fighting AGAINST my addiction; I am choosing to stand FOR sobriety.

Are you standing for something?
Are you fighting against something?
Are you doing both or neither?
I would love to hear.

(There are no wrong answers).