Just what in the HECK is going on? I’m sure you’ve been asking that question more than usual, in light of my latest spate of posts.

Well, in case you’re wondering, you are witnessing the transformation of an addict. I have always been quite open about my battles and, even though I might not fit the description of a “traditional” binger — meaning that, I never purged or ate to the point of nausea — I AM an addict, because my “drug of choice” (food) controls my life.

I have been in therapy for more than a year and a half, and in that time, I have worked hard to fix the things about myself that I could. I always flirted with the idea of recovery, but never quite knew how to get there. I realize now that I was always looking for a secret, some magic or a hidden key to unlock the mystery of my disease. I didn’t believe I could conquer it without knowing exactly what was causing it.

At one point, about 8 months ago, I even downloaded the 12-Steps, so I could actually read them and decide if it was something I could (or needed) to do. I distinctly remember going through a few of them, thinking, “Oh good, I’m already doing this one! Hey, I’ve got this one nailed!” But then, I read others, and mourned, “Good HEAVENS! I can’t do that one and I don’t think I will EVER be able to do THAT one.” It just seemed impossible. Too hard. Too….unattainable.

I pondered whether one could actually be a 10-Stepper.

So, I put the 12-Steps away for awhile and pretty much forgot about them.

Until a major epiphany 2 weeks ago, when some pieces of the puzzle suddenly came together and, for the first time in my life, I saw the picture of the journey I was meant to take. It was like a shining light from above, completely lit up the world before me, and I instantly knew what I was supposed to do. More importantly, I had no doubt that I COULD do it, and knew that I already WAS.

Fast forward a couple of days (which felt like months), and it occurred to me that I was FINALLY ready to commit to sobriety. I was ready to recover.

I made the decision and announced it to the world. Some people worried that I was being too hard on myself, misunderstanding the parameters of my sobriety. They feared that I was trying to achieve perfection in my eating. You know, to NEVER at “any bad food.” Well, let’s be real. I KNOW that I will make better choices, and less better choices over the course of my Bariatric After Life.™ but I’m more focused on the BINGEING behavior. I KNOW my triggers. I know that I cannot eat “just one cookie,” or “just one piece of candy.” I cannot eat “a single serving of sugar free pie,” and I cannot “eat just one” (the bag even says so!)

Again, I KNOW what I need to avoid, and that is how I define my sobriety: Avoiding (or saying no to) foods which will create the opportunity for me to binge.

So, on Wednesday, January 26, I officially became a recovering addict.

Today, I completed 5, full days of recovery from binge eating.

Yesterday, there were a couple of tense moments where I nearly *forgot* my pledge, and almost allowed myself to talk *ME* into eating *just the crumbs* from MexiKen’s Zucchini Carrot Bread. Well, I came to my senses and very firmly said, “No. I do not need the crumbs from that cake. That will bring me closer TO, instead of further FROM a binge.”

And so it will go, my life in recovery. I will have to be conscious of my actions and not allow myself to eat on auto-pilot. It might seem tenuous, or even punitive, but it is quite the opposite of those things. It is so rewarding when I win a battle by making the healthy choice, and it feels good to know that I am in charge — not the food. I think the point I’m trying to make is, being in recovery gives you FREEDOM and LIBERTY. You are finally FREE when you stop choosing to let your addiction rule your life.

So, anyway, bear with me and understand that I’m pretty enthusiastic about my progress and just want to share my joy. It really does feel like being reborn. It’s like learning all of the answers to everything you always wanted to know, then wanting to shout the answers from the rooftops, so EVERYONE will know. Of course, just like I had to come to my recovery in my own time, I realize that will be the case for many of you, as well.

In the meantime, be kind to yourselves and realize that you are doing the best you can. Continue to educate yourselves on addiction, and don’t be afraid to step out in faith. Finally, don’t keep yourself from healing, just because you don’t understand the “whys” and “wherefores” of your addiction.

That may never come to light, and you’ll have to be okay with it.

Day 6, here I come.

This morning, when I awoke and committed to my 4th Day of Sobriety, I figured out that recovery is a choice, and one that I must make clearly and resolutely every, single day.

So, I began my new mantra:

Today, I choose life.
I choose to be healthy.
I choose to control what I put in my mouth.
I choose to give power only to food that will bring me closer to recovery.

It would have been very easy to say:

Today, I will NOT eat things that I shouldn’t eat.
I will NOT eat Fruit Loops, or that Carrot Zucchini bread.
I will NOT overdo it.
I will NOT eat the wrong things.
I will NOT give into my addiction.
I will NOT binge.

In other words, I could choose to make a list of things I will NOT do — OR, I can make statements about what I WILL (and have the power to) do.

Sidebar: Oh my gosh! It just hit me that this concept of standing “for” something is a lot like our Constitution. The Constitution doesn’t GIVE us power as a individuals; it simply states the God-given power that we ALREADY HAVE.  Hmmm…interesting. I need to go research that a little more — LOL.

Back to the subject at hand…

FOR or AGAINST?

There is a difference between fighting AGAINST something and standing FOR something. Neither is particularly wrong, but each carries with it a different source of power; a different attitude; a different way of thinking and being.

• I can fight against negativity in my workplace, or I can stand for having a good attitude in all that I do.
• I can fight against negativity in my home, or I stand for a positive spirit.
• I can fight against negativity online, or I can stand for upbeat, hopeful truth.

There is NOTHING WRONG with fighting for what your believe; fighting for a cause; fighting for the truth. Many choose to fight against something, because it feels good to belong to a bigger, more powerful cause; it feels productive and purposeful; it feels better than standing ALONE.

Sometimes, people choose the fight, the battle, or the war, INSTEAD OF peace, because they want to change people, or bring them to their side; they want others to join their team , and they want to feel powerful. After all, there’s great power in numbers, it’s good to belong, and there is a place and purpose for fighting for what you believe. It is good to make clear choices on where you stand.

But, in this context — the subject of ADDICTION –  I have begun to ask myself this question: Do I want to fight with an army of thousands or stand as an army of one?

I know that there are millions of people fighting agasinst their addictions. I would not be alone in my battle. But fighting AGAINST something takes more energy than STANDING FOR something, and I believe that fighting AGAINST my addiction would be harder than standing FOR recovery.

I guess you could say that  I have chosen to stand alone, BUT I am encouraging others to stand with me – if they want. The truth is, I can no more fight another’s battle than they can win mine, but I can champion and support them in standing for what’s right.

So, that’s where I am in my Bariatric After Life™: I am not fighting AGAINST my addiction; I am choosing to stand FOR sobriety.

Are you standing for something?
Are you fighting against something?
Are you doing both or neither?
I would love to hear.

(There are no wrong answers).

My grandpa (step-grandpa, actually, but the only one I ever knew) was an alcoholic. When he died, he had 23 years sober and was sponsor to many people whose lives were forever changed by his support and the 12-step program.

Growing up, I never really understood what was such a big deal about it. I mean, he had a fully stocked liquor cabinet above the refrigerator, and he loved to serve drinks to his guests. Heck, he always asked me if *I* wanted a drink (and I was only 10). Well, one day, I said “Sure!” and he proceeded to make me the worst (and probably strongest) “7 and 7″ ever poured. I thought I would love it (after all, it did have 7-Up in it), but BOY, was I wrong. I took about one drink and then played with it for the rest of the afternoon, fearing I would hurt his feelings if I didn’t finish it. The thought of another swig made me sick to my stomach, and I eventually — nonchalantly — poured it down the drain.

More power to my grandpa: I got the message about alcohol: It is yucky.

But, I didn’t understand the full magnitude of his message. I didn’t realize that addictions come in all shapes and sizes — not just in glasses of booze and soda. He had bumper stickers on his car (you know, the shiny, rainbow foil ones) that said, “One Day at a Time” and “Easy Does It”, he had the 12-Steps posted in his bedroom, and the Serenity Prayer enshrined in the bathroom. He lived his sobriety every day. But I just didn’t get it. Perhaps he made it look too easy.

Maybe that’s why I didn’t get it when I became a full-blown food addict. It was easy to ignore, because I was a “functional addict” — you know, like those alcoholics who show up at work every day and lead seemingly normal lives? Only, I was obese, and the entire world could see that I had some “sort of problem.” Unfortunately, most people (like myself) called it a “character flaw”, rather than a “disease,” which meant that I was a bad, bad person, and not a person with a treatable condition.

It is important to understand that my addiction didn’t evolve in a vacuum. It didn’t happen overnight, and I didn’t just ‘cotton’ to the lifestyle without some encouragement from people who loved me. They didn’t realize, of course, that they were loving me to death, because they were sick themselves. That can be a tough pill to swallow, and it can hinder your recovery. After all, it’s much easier to blame someone else for CAUSING you to become an addict, than it is to believe that you are responsible for your own actions and choices.

All I can say is, Thank GOD for bariatric surgery and my desire to find a “cure” for my disease. Gastric Bypass gave me the tool; therapy and the support of others gave me the knowledge; God gave me the courage.

As good as that all sounds, I am still NOT THERE yet. I am NOT in recovery. I flirt with it. I “try” to do it. But each time, I yield — just a little — and the whole process starts over.

Well, in light of certain situations in my life, I have been forced to turn the mirror on myself like I haven’t done in my entire life. Fortunately, I am not disgusted or angry with my reflection, nor am I disappointed or unhappy. The weird thing is, for probably the first time in 44 years, I understand that recovery is a choice that I must make EVERY DAY. Recovery will (drumroll please): ONE DAY AT A TIME.

You know those little key rings that say “1-year”? — That is 365 DAYS of sobriety; 365 days of recovery. That is NOT “one year.” And that is the point I have to remember. One year DOES happen one day at time, and one day, DOES happen one moment at a time. I can make good choices ONE moment at a time.

So, today I decided to begin my recovery. My goal is 1 day. That’s all. Over the course of the next 15 hours (or whatever it turns out that I am awake), I will choose SOBRIETY. I will choose to be healthy and I will choose to say no to my binge addiction.

I will not focus on tomorrow, as that would be too scary. I will focus on NOW. So far, I’ve got 4 hours sober, and it feels pretty good.

Easy Does It. I’ve got plenty of time to get this right.