Bariatric Breakthrough Challenge:
Dothan, Alabama

The Doc, The Guru & The Post-Op:
Does this shirt make me look short?

I just got back from an amazing trip to Dothan, Alabama, where I was fortunate enough to participate in the Bariatric Guru’s Bariatric Breakthrough Challenge (Presented by Erin and Ben Akey) with my incredible friend and business partner, Dr. Connie Stapleton. This was my first time to Alabama, and I assure you, it will NOT be my last! – (Roll Tide) – I met extraordinary people, with extraordinary stories, and found myself in the company of more than a few kindred spirits. All I can tell you is, compassionate support is alive and well in local bariatric communities, thanks to generous souls like Alta, Matthew, Sharon, Gene, Talli, Mandy — and a bunch of other folks whose names escape me, but whose faces and hearts do not.

In case you didn’t know, A Post-Op & A Doc have been involved with Erin and Ben since the first Challenge (through video), but this was the first event we got to PHYSICALLY attend. Let me tell you, it was unbelievably gratifying and energizing. I can’t say enough how much we enjoyed the event — and how much I learned! That’s the beauty of these things; it doesn’t matter if you’re a presenter, an organizer, or a participant – you WILL take home at least 5 new things you didn’t know before, you WILL come away with the sure knowledge that you are NOT alone, you WILL believe that you can live a healthy Bariatric After Life™ and you WILL recommit to gaining, regaining or maintaining a healthy weight management program!

In other words, this is exciting now matter how you slice it! (If it sounds like I’m gushing, I am.)

Basically, if you haven’t done so already, you really must make a point of registering for and attending at least ONE Challenge event this year. Your investment in yourself is guaranteed to pay dividends!

Here’s a link to the program page, so you can see where events have already been scheduled.

BARIATRIC BREAKTHROUGH CHALLENGES
COME spend the day with us.
LEAVE a certified Bariatric Guru!

The Bariatric Guru & Chef

TOPICS:

• Accountability (To yourself and others)
• Recommitment to a Healthy Bariatric After Life™
• Healthy & Active Living through Exercise, Nutrition & Supplementation
• Healthy Eating with the Bariatric Chef (It actually tastes good, and you’ll get to sample yummy foods and product samples!)
• Mind|Body Synchronization (Bariatric Help for Your Head, Heart & Health with A Post-Op & A Doc) – Food Addiction, Relationships, Body Image

If you DON’T see one in your area, contact Erin and see what it takes to get YOUR Bariatric COE (Center of Excellence) to host an event

I’ll leave you with this: Since I participated in this event, I’m renewed, reinvigorated, regenerated and reenergized to live a healthy and active life in 2012 (and beyond). 

Are you?

My binge addiction is like a teenager who parties when the parents are away for the weekend. You know how it goes, the parents leave and say, “Now, don’t have a bunch of people over and absolutely NO PARTIES.” And the teenager says, “I know. I won’t. Gosh, don’t you trust me?”

So, the parents leave (thinking they’ll have to learn to trust their teenager eventually) and the kid is thinking, “OMG, I thought they’d NEVER leave. Now, let me send a Facebook Group Invitation to all 1500 of my closest friends…”

What happens while the parents are away is not pretty and definitely does not fall under the heading of “good, clean fun.”

Nope, when the parents return (early, usually) they are met with a scene straight out of Animal House: There are pizza boxes strewn everywhere, Doritos crunched into the carpet, and those red plastic “SOLO” cups with stale beer on every piece of furniture in sight. There are bottles of flat Coke, empty chip bags and paper plates with orange grease spots on them.

OH. MY. GOD. WHAT. HAPPENED. HERE???!!!

One thing is certain: The parents were not at home when the eating orgy ensued, and they DEFINITELY did not get to ‘enjoy’ the festivities…BUT, THEY WILL HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER IT.

I know, I know…fellow parents are out there saying, “Oh no. I’M not cleaning ANYTHING up. My KID is gonna to do THAT.” But, we all know that the kid is passed out on the futon in the den, and besides, he’ll deny everything, blame everyone, and do a lousy job of putting things back in order.

But, that’s not all: That antique that’s been in the family for generations? Broken. And the couch cushions? Torn. The carpet? Stained. Nothing is going to be the way it was…but it has to be returned to some semblance of order.

So, why am I telling you about a “party-while-the-parents-are-away” weekend? Because my stubbornly recalcitrant binge addiction is a lot like that teenager: IT WANTS TO PARTY EVEN THOUGH I TELL IT NOT TO.

Guess who gets to “come home” to home to the carnage?

Guess who gets to stumble across chalk outlines (where the box of Zingers WAS), clean Oreo cookie crumbs off the counter, and tear down the yellow police tape blocking the refrigerator door?

You guessed it: ME.

Bingeing gets the party and I get the hangover.

My Party-Girl-Binger wants me to believe we’ve had good times – BUT WE HAVEN’T AND THE PARTY IS OVER. The bingeing teenager is officially GROUNDED, and it’s time for the adult to hire a “house sitter” (more like a therapist, trained in addiction and recovery), clear out the pantry, and get back to an OA meeting.

Can anyone else relate?

So, yesterday, I wrote about INTERACTIVE FOOD and how much fun it used to be to create an eating EVENT. I recalled with great zeal the wonder that WAS the food *experience* in my before life. Needless to say, it WASN’T PRETTY.

I then asked my very smart friend and business partner, Dr. Connie Stapleton, to read it over and tell me if there was something to it.

Oh, there WAS something to it – no doubt about it — but not what I expected. Let me first remind you that she calls herself “Your Recovery Conscience” for a reason. Not only is she a recovering addict herself, she is an addiction specialist who understand the messy mind of the addict (me).

Here is what she said, and I thought it was so important, I’m going to share it:

“Your story is really fun, but I’m concerned, because what you are describing as ‘interactive eating’ is something we call ‘euphoric recall.’”

WHAT? There’s a NAME for this? In some DMSR…PDQ Book somewhere on some medical bookshelf??? I am alternately shocked and impressed! Not only did I come up with something ORIGINAL that already EXISTS…I am a completely normal recovering addict!!!

Oh boy.

Here’s what I want to stress (and didn’t do a very good job of doing yesterday): If you are eating for sport, then you are *PROBABLY* participating in your addiction, and you are *PROBABLY* seeking the “high” from the euphoric recall. Either that, or you’re tempting fate. Gosh, that really isn’t fair, is it?

I think the lesson I am learning here is this: It’s not a good idea to even give energy to the memory of interactive eating since I am an addict, as this could trigger a binge.

Hmmm…More thought is definitely required here! What do you guys think?

At some point in our Bariatric After Life™, we learn that our goal is to stop being defined by our surgery and start living life. And yet, we can never forget that we had surgery, because we don’t want to return to our old habits. I’ll admit, this concept has really tripped me up, because I spend my days reading, writing and talking about bariatrics!

How, on earth, do I stop thinking about food, when all I think about is food? Throw in a food addiction and, by all rights, I should have a barrel of monkeys on my hands. Only…I don’t.

How can that be?

Well, in the past few months, I’ve had the strangest feeling wash over me. It’s something akin to “normalcy” – or, as normal as a surgically-altered person can be – and then, not quite normal at all. If I had to define it for you, I believe I would call it: PEACE. Yes, that is it. I am at PEACE within my body. The warring factions have laid down their weapons of mass disruption, and I am now living life on life’s terms. Not to confuse PEACE, with PERFECTION, or CALMNESS — because neither of those things comes even remotely close.

To be clear, what I am feeling is a reunification or reassociation with my SELF. I have been torn apart for so long, I’d forgotten what it was like to actually BE ME — if I ever really knew at all.

Thanks to therapy and the support of good friends, I now know what it’s like (at least as far as anyone can determine) to be ME: It’s crazy, fast-paced, gung-ho, exciting, outrageous, magical, frustrating, disconcerting, energizing, exhausting, invigorating, maddening, brilliant, radical, awesome, mellow, unlimited, liberating, compassionate, honest and everything in between. It’s like a zoo and a circus and a day at Disneyland, all rolled into one.

For the first time in – probably EVER – I am at home in my own skin, and I like the way it feels. I know what makes me happy, and I know what frustrates me. I know what triggers a binge, and I know what recovery feels like. I know what being fit does for my emotions, and I know what being sick does to my heart. I am in touch with myself and…I like me.

Guess what? I am not really about food at all. At least not today. Or yesterday. Maybe I will be tomorrow, I don’t know. One thing I do know is, I am hard-pressed to find someone who is not struggling to maintain (or lose) their weight (whether they’ve had surgery or not); I am hard-pressed to find someone who does not think they *could* workout at least one more day a week (whether they have had surgery or not), and I am hard-pressed to find a person who doesn’t wish they hadn’t eaten a certain food today (whether they have had surgery or not). So, you see…I’m really NOT that different from anybody else, and yet…I am.

How? I surround myself by like-minded, successful post-ops. I get filled up daily by reading inspirational blogs, hearing from my Facebook and Twitter friends, and just chatting it up with healthy, balanced folks. Like me I remain a staunch advocate for the disease of obesity, and I speak to whoever will listen.

If you were to take away one thing from this message, it would be this: The further away from my surgery, the more normal I feel. It’s like swimming away from the shore. I can’t touch the bottom with my toes anymore, but I’m not freaking out; I’m actually wondering what’s beyond that next wave. I never thought that could happen….

Have you ever experienced this?

I know what recovery from obesity feels like. I have been there before…for 30, glorious days; I am there again (currently on day 6). The reason I’m talking about it is because I want you to know that it IS POSSIBLE and it CAN HAPPEN. Not that I’m gonna race down the road, proclaiming that I am “CURED” from my disease — because that’s simply not true. Nor, will I pay a skywriter to trace the announcement that I will never binge again.

The truth of the matter is:

• TODAY, I am living in recovery.
• TODAY, I know what peace feels like.
• TODAY, I know that it is possible.
• TODAY, I know that tomorrow holds no promises.

As my wise friend, Dr. Connie Stapleton reminded me — just this morning — I must live life on life’s terms. It sounds so much kinder when you say it that way; thank you, Connie.

If you are struggling with an addiction, and fear that you can’t conquer it –don’t believe the lie; You can conquer it, and if you are willing to do the work…you will.

Mine is a message of hope. It comes from someone who — at least for today — is living in recovery. I make no promises, but I will tell you that the feeling is glorious.

Never give up!

Jabberwock by John Tenniel

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

I don’t know why, but Jabberwocky (that verse, at least) came to mind when I got on the scale and saw that I had gained about 3 pounds since choosing recovery for binge eating addiction. It’s funny, I’ve watched it happen a dozen times (to others); they quit smoking and pack on 20 or 30 pounds. But, never dreamt it could happen to ME. How could I GAIN weight by NOT BINGEING?

I guess you could say that I was snatched by the claws of the FRUMIOUS BINGER-SNATCH. I listened to my head and not my stomach and now my pants are paying the price. I didn’t fool myself, or anything. I was completely aware of my behavior. I was, basically grazing on healthy foods — pseudo-healthy carbs. – that were really just simplex carbs, wrapped up in a package of healthy protein. In my defense, I was freaking HUNGRY! I did manage to drink more fluids than perhaps ever since my surgery, and I DID limit my caffeine intake to two cups per day – and have not deviated from that – not even once – but in lieu of those things, I added a bag of Revival Soy Chips (usually the decadent Oh My! Apple Pie flavor for “dessert”), and I had BOTH quiche AND beans in the same SITTING. Oh, and I had my Body Tech Pro pudding in the evening, even though I didn’t need it.

The Bariatric After Life™ can be a minefield sometimes, and we all misstep. Fortunately, I didn’t do any permanent damage (to myself or my psyche), but I did learn (or rather, relearn) a valuable lesson: Too much of a good thing is not good.

So, what am I going to do about it? I could say really negative things and call myself a failure (or worse) but 3 pounds and a snug waistband aren’t worthy of that sort of talk. Actually, NOTHING is worthy of that kinda talk. I know what needs fixing, and I’m fixing it. For me, that looks like three days on a liquid/puree program. This is not punishment; I have found that doing this resets the carbo-clock and helps me to feel more balanced.

On an upbeat note: I am still sober after 19 days. I don’t remember ever going this long without giving in to a cookie (or five) –  and believe me, I WANTED a cookie…or cake…or something gooey.  I battled that demon and won, so I sure as heck can beat the simple carb monster. It’s all about homeostasis; finding balance and harmony; listening for the answers and making the changes.

Hey, this sounds a lot like what’s happened to my eyes since turning 40: Just like I have to hold everything farther away so I can see it more clearly, I had to take a step back to get a better focus on the future.

•  •  •

By the way, Jabberwocky is found in Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Found There.

MexiKen doesn’t understand what it feels like to be addicted. At least, he doesn’t *think* he does. He’s one of the lucky ones who is able to turn a negative behavior on and off at will. Substances have no power over him, unless he chooses to allow them to. This is how he explains it, anyway.

You can imagine my frustration over the course of the last…oh…22 years.

• He doesn’t understand my fibromyalgia, because nothing “shows” on the outside, so what could possibly be wrong?
• He doesn’t understand my food addiction, because he doesn’t feel the compulsion or obsession I feel around food.
• He doesn’t understand chemical depression, because he can just talk himself out of it and do what needs to be done.
• He used to think it was all in my head, and I almost believed him.

I remember after my precious baby girl was born (oh, so many years ago). I was a basket case. I had severe postpartum depression – almost psychosis. I felt like I was losing my mind, I beat myself up for my weakness, I criticized myself for being such a rotten mother and wife. I began to see how a woman could be pushed to the edge of insanity and do crazy things to her children. No one was really talking about it, so I figured I was crazy. I certainly wasn’t going to harm my baby, but I understood how someone could get to that point. I was out of control and scared. MexiKen will tell you that he didn’t understand my problem because his own mother had 12 children and never seemed to miss a beat with the birth of each one. We used to joke that she could give birth in the kitchen, then finish the mole and heat the tortillas before anyone would even notice the new addition.

I, on the other hand, was broken. I was not normal. I wanted to die. I hid in the closet while my daughter cried her lungs out in her car seat on the bed. It is a horrible memory, but I no longer feel the shame of it.

Of course, it wasn’t that easy for MexiKen. It was a bone of contention for many, many years in our marriage because he viewed me as weak. He thought I just wasn’t trying hard enough, or that I was seriously deranged to feel that way about my own flesh and blood. He wondered why I wasn’t more like his mother?

It was only after many, many years that he was finally able to “forgive” me for my behavior. That’s really what it came down to; Forgiveness. Though, I know that I wasn’t in control of my behavior, I did apologize to him for the pain my untreated condition caused for the entire family.

After all that, you’d think I’d blame him for his inability to understand the complexities of my damaged psyche, but I don’t. Mostly because *I* struggle to understand the complexities of my damaged psyche…

I don’t blame him for NOT knowing how to show me compassion. Neither one of us knew how to do that.

Which is why education is so important for everyone in the family. As with weight loss surgery, people don’t automatically *get* why we choose to have it. They think you should just eat “as if” you have had the surgery, but not have the surgery. They think you are a cheater, or that you will be cured, or whatever “excuse” you want to plug into the criticism. They think you are weak and lazy and are seriously flawed.

The point is, for someone who does not have a food addiction or weight problem, it is virtually impossible to comprehend the torture of someone who DOES.

I guess it’s like trying to explain menstrual cramps to a guy.

Girl: “Well, it hurts *here* and I only feel better if I lay on my side…with a heating pad. And my back hurts, but you can’t really massage the pain away. And I just feel irritable and sad.”

Guy: “Is it like getting kicked ‘down there’?”

Girl: “Well, since I don’t know what that feels like, because I don’t have *those* parts, it might be like how it feels when you fall on the crossbar on your bike.”

Guy: “Yeah, it’s probably close to that; It’ll pass in a few minutes. What’s your problem again?”

Which is pretty much the same dialogue me and MexiKen had all the time about my “issues.”

AGAIN, I don’t blame HIM for not understanding, because you can only truly empathize with someone if you’ve actually EXPERIENCED what they are going through. Fortunately, I learned that I really just needed support – not understanding. So, a few years ago, I started helping him help me. I’d say, “Hey, you don’t need to understand *why* this is the case, but I have a problem with “X”, and if I see them, I go crazy and eat uncontrollably. I am NOT telling you that YOU can’t have them, but would you mind hiding them from me? Could you put them somewhere you can get to them, but I won’t find them?”

He agreed, but it didn’t keep him from getting that puzzled, “I don’t get it” look on his face. The good news is, he did learn that hiding stuff was a good way to support me (as I’d asked). But that little technique only lasted so long before an addict like me went “looking…”

Ultimately, I had to deal with my addiction, not find ways to make it more acceptable! I had to stop looking for the “WHY” of it all, and just work on the “HOW” — as in, “How will I put an end to this destruction I’m allowing?”

Easy (or not so easy, depending upon how you look at it.) I just had to STOP bingeing. Of course, that’s where those 12-Steps come into the picture, and they are NOT easy, but they ARE possible.

Here’s what I have learned: In the final analysis, even if no one else has ever suffered with my addiction, it is still valid. Even if no one else understands my condition…my frailties, they can still show me compassion.

I could be addicted to mint dental floss but, as long as someone takes a moment to be human and say, “Hmm, I don’t understand this fixation with dental floss, and I don’t have a problem with it, but I see that you do, and I see that you are working to overcome the addiction, so I will support you however I can.”

Perhaps that is the message of this posting. Even if no one else suffers from my particular brand of binge-eating disorder, I do, and I know the tremendous toll it has taken on my soul. That is why, I have asked MexiKen to support me in my endeavor to choose recovery. (This does not include hiding food, by the way.) He will tell you that he doesn’t get it – but he will also say that he understands that I am suffering and doesn’t want me to hurt anymore. That’s big progress for both of us.

Gone are the days of suffering alone. Gone are the moments where I feel crazy and scared. I have my rock — even if he doesn’t know why he is supposed to stand completely still so I can grab onto him when the current gets too rough (LOL) – He does it, with a warm and generous heart (and a good sense of humor). He still has to stop himself from making critical, offhanded remarks, but I understand…because I know how hard he is trying. Hey, sometimes I’d have a hard time being married to me.

Here’s the bottom line: Find your peace and run to it. Never let anyone tell you you don’t deserve it, because you do. It is possible to find compassion — even in strangers.

SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
(7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

By the way…Today is Day 11 of My Recovery (In case you were wondering!)

Uncharted Territory

There’s no Google Map for where I’m going, so I’m blazing my own trail. I am, of course, talking about my Recovery from Binge Eating.

When you’re addicted to things like alcohol, drugs, or gambling, it’s fairly easy to figure out the “rules” of your sobriety. What I mean by that is, if you are shooting for complete abstinence, then any alcoholic drink, illegal drug, or betting (including lottery scratch-offs) would probably be on the list of “don’ts.”

But, when you get into addictions like shopping, sex, or food, the terms of agreement can get a little squirrelly. In other words, if you are addicted to sex, does that mean you can never HAVE sex for the rest of your life? Probably not (unless you have taken a vow of celibacy, but that’s different). How about shopping? What constitutes “acceptable” shopping, and what constitutes “addictive” shopping?

Which brings the discussion around to FOOD. I have specifically made a decision to be SOBER FROM BINGEING. That means that if a food will trigger a binge, I will not touch it. I already know what a lot of them are – Fritos, Oreos, Fruit Loops, Chocolate Chip cookies, etc. — but I don’t have a exhaustive list of EVERY food item that is likely to cause a problem, so, how do I handle that? How do I know when I’m making a choice that would end my recovery?

Well, last night, as I was strolling through CVS (I had to buy hairspray, duh) — my mind was darting around like a pinball machine:

Me: Oh, Valentine’s Day. Look at all the candy.
Me2: I clearly don’t need candy. That would be on the list.

Me: But it would only be one little box of sugar free stuff.
Me2: Yeah, but I wouldn’t just eat one piece a day; I’d want the whole thing, so, no. That is not the thing to look for.

Me: But, what will MexiKen buy me for Valentine’s Day?
Me2: He never buys you candy anyway, so let him get you a card. And maybe flowers. You aren’t addicted to flowers.

Me: Oh….look at the Russell Stover Sugar Free Gummy Bears. That’s a small bag.
Me2: Nope. You eat those in the car, on the way home. And home is only 3 minutes down the road (with traffic). That is definitely a no-no. Me: What about…?

And the conversation continued.

Now, I realize that this conversation might sound trivial or even frustrating, but to me, the exchange was very, very comforting. That is because I was giving myself the chance to consider and reject each item, based upon its likelihood to cause a binge. Last night, instead of feeling CHEATED, I felt EMPOWERED. That is because, even though I don’t have an official “list” of things I will NOT choose to consume, I am confident that I have the skills to make the decision “on-the-fly.” My hope is that I will continue to have the determination to do this, but I cannot project that far down the road. Today is a new day. Yesterday completed Day 8 of my Sobriety from Bingeing – and I ended on a very high note.

Well, today, I began on an equally high note. That is because, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t have coffee-on-the-brain when I awoke. I did have a “headache-on-the-brain,” and had to take my usual Tylenol. Which led me to tell myself that “Maybe I needed a cup of coffee, because withdrawals from caffeine” were “causing the headache.” Now, remember that I have allowed myself a maximum of TWO cups of coffee a day. I have continued to honor that.

So, I ambled down the hall (man, that wood floor is cold), and made a cup of coffee. I didn’t get that usual “ahhhhhh” feeling from it, but, I shrugged it off. It was only about 10 minutes ago that I realized I “might not need” coffee anymore. I decided that I “might not have” that second cup today. Then, I did the unthinkable and pondered that I “might not have coffee anymore.” I haven’t absolutely decided yet, and this indecision does NOT nullify the terms and conditions of my Recovery. But, I will reflect a little more today and see if I get a clear message that this is the correct next step on my journey.

Ultimately, there is no roadmap for Bingeing. That’s because everyone has different “drugs” of choice. I have to make it up as I go along, BUT, the thing to remember is, I can’t make the decision AFTER I’ve chosen incorrectly. (In other words, I cannot plan U-Turns into the road trip). I need to be vigilant and patient, and, when in doubt, say NO. That really is the safest route to take, because impatience and absent-minded eating are the hallmarks of my addiction. If I’m in a hurry, don’t want to think about it, or worse, hear myself sayING the words, “I can have just a little bit of that. A little won’t hurt. That’s not bad. Besides, I really want it.” — it’s a pretty safe bet that WHATEVER it is, is gonna go on the “NO” list.

The rule of the day is to BE STILL and listen to myself.

For a long time, I thought my obesity was my own fault. I thought that it was a horrible character flaw that led me to make bad choice after bad choice and become “grotesquely” overweight. I wondered why I had no will-power, why I didn’t like broccoli, and why I hated working out. I looked around and saw ambitious, healthy people doing all of the things I knew I was *supposed* to want to do, but didn’t. And so, the condemnation continued.

It was my own damned fault that I was fat.

And then I had gastric bypass surgery, and I learned that my obesity was not entirely my *fault* at all. I learned that it was a biological, physiological, emotional and spiritual disorder, which meant that I was contributing to it, but not necessarily causing it; that many of the things I thought or did exacerbated the problem, but didn’t create it.

And so, I went about the business of changing my behaviors; doing things that a healthy person did; thinking the way a healthy person thinks. Or, at least, I THOUGHT I did. As it turns out, I was doing a lot of self-sabotage by refusing to acknowledge 2 simple facts:

1. I am a FOOD ADDICT
2. Addiction is a Disease

Now, I know a LOT of people who steadfastly disagree with that second statement. They disagree to the point of anger, resentment and even hatred. They say that anyone who can CHOOSE “not” to have something, can’t possibly have a disease, because, well…you can’t *decide* not to have cancer.

Here’s what I’ve got to say about that: I didn’t choose to be a food addict, anymore than a cancer victim chooses to have cancer. BUT, I did do things that contributed to the severity of the problem; I made choices that inflamed my condition. I did things to make my condition worse.

If I were to draw a parallel between cancer and food addiction, I would say that, by my thoughts and actions, I made my condition worse. I refused to admit I even HAD it, and then I refused “TREATMENT” (almost like a cancer sufferer refusing chemo or radiation.) I believed that I had caused my problem (much like a lung cancer victim could believe they deserved their disease because they smoked, or a liver cancer victim could believe they deserved it because they drank.) I’m not going to say that smoking and drinking are good ideas, or that they don’t CONTRIBUTE to the disease, but I believe we are either predisposed to cancer, or we aren’t; we are predisposed to obesity and food addiction, or we aren’t.

It is immaterial whether you agree with me or not that obesity and addiction are diseases, for I have chosen to treat both conditions for what they are, instead of believing the misinformed and beating myself up for being a bad person.

Perhaps that is why choosing to abstain from addictive behavior is called RECOVERY. Like a cancer survivor who is in REMISSION, I will never be cured of my disease. It could come back at any time, so I must be ever-vigilant. I don’t know when a trigger will pop-up, or someone will inadvertently do something to encourage a relapse, but I cannot live my life fearing that the addiction will return.

Today, I choose RECOVERY. I choose NOT to allow my disease to rule my life. I choose to live my Bariatric After Life™ to the fullest and embrace all that life has to offer. But, just as a cancer survivor might have to take medication or participate in therapy, so must I.

At the end of the day, I could lament the fact that I am an addict; that I will have to fight obesity for the rest of my life. I could complain and ask “WHY ME?” — OR, I can be thankful that there is a treatment for my condition. I can have gratitude for the gift of recovery, and I can rely upon God for His healing touch. After all, RECOVERY is not something you do alone. You need the support and guidance of others who have gone before, and the power of someone who is much greater than yourself.

Thank GOD I have both

Just what in the HECK is going on? I’m sure you’ve been asking that question more than usual, in light of my latest spate of posts.

Well, in case you’re wondering, you are witnessing the transformation of an addict. I have always been quite open about my battles and, even though I might not fit the description of a “traditional” binger — meaning that, I never purged or ate to the point of nausea — I AM an addict, because my “drug of choice” (food) controls my life.

I have been in therapy for more than a year and a half, and in that time, I have worked hard to fix the things about myself that I could. I always flirted with the idea of recovery, but never quite knew how to get there. I realize now that I was always looking for a secret, some magic or a hidden key to unlock the mystery of my disease. I didn’t believe I could conquer it without knowing exactly what was causing it.

At one point, about 8 months ago, I even downloaded the 12-Steps, so I could actually read them and decide if it was something I could (or needed) to do. I distinctly remember going through a few of them, thinking, “Oh good, I’m already doing this one! Hey, I’ve got this one nailed!” But then, I read others, and mourned, “Good HEAVENS! I can’t do that one and I don’t think I will EVER be able to do THAT one.” It just seemed impossible. Too hard. Too….unattainable.

I pondered whether one could actually be a 10-Stepper.

So, I put the 12-Steps away for awhile and pretty much forgot about them.

Until a major epiphany 2 weeks ago, when some pieces of the puzzle suddenly came together and, for the first time in my life, I saw the picture of the journey I was meant to take. It was like a shining light from above, completely lit up the world before me, and I instantly knew what I was supposed to do. More importantly, I had no doubt that I COULD do it, and knew that I already WAS.

Fast forward a couple of days (which felt like months), and it occurred to me that I was FINALLY ready to commit to sobriety. I was ready to recover.

I made the decision and announced it to the world. Some people worried that I was being too hard on myself, misunderstanding the parameters of my sobriety. They feared that I was trying to achieve perfection in my eating. You know, to NEVER at “any bad food.” Well, let’s be real. I KNOW that I will make better choices, and less better choices over the course of my Bariatric After Life.™ but I’m more focused on the BINGEING behavior. I KNOW my triggers. I know that I cannot eat “just one cookie,” or “just one piece of candy.” I cannot eat “a single serving of sugar free pie,” and I cannot “eat just one” (the bag even says so!)

Again, I KNOW what I need to avoid, and that is how I define my sobriety: Avoiding (or saying no to) foods which will create the opportunity for me to binge.

So, on Wednesday, January 26, I officially became a recovering addict.

Today, I completed 5, full days of recovery from binge eating.

Yesterday, there were a couple of tense moments where I nearly *forgot* my pledge, and almost allowed myself to talk *ME* into eating *just the crumbs* from MexiKen’s Zucchini Carrot Bread. Well, I came to my senses and very firmly said, “No. I do not need the crumbs from that cake. That will bring me closer TO, instead of further FROM a binge.”

And so it will go, my life in recovery. I will have to be conscious of my actions and not allow myself to eat on auto-pilot. It might seem tenuous, or even punitive, but it is quite the opposite of those things. It is so rewarding when I win a battle by making the healthy choice, and it feels good to know that I am in charge — not the food. I think the point I’m trying to make is, being in recovery gives you FREEDOM and LIBERTY. You are finally FREE when you stop choosing to let your addiction rule your life.

So, anyway, bear with me and understand that I’m pretty enthusiastic about my progress and just want to share my joy. It really does feel like being reborn. It’s like learning all of the answers to everything you always wanted to know, then wanting to shout the answers from the rooftops, so EVERYONE will know. Of course, just like I had to come to my recovery in my own time, I realize that will be the case for many of you, as well.

In the meantime, be kind to yourselves and realize that you are doing the best you can. Continue to educate yourselves on addiction, and don’t be afraid to step out in faith. Finally, don’t keep yourself from healing, just because you don’t understand the “whys” and “wherefores” of your addiction.

That may never come to light, and you’ll have to be okay with it.

Day 6, here I come.